Watching the World from the Inside Out

Tomorrow is “Oween,” as Jackson says. Usually, I would be sharing the excitement with my boys right now. Tonight I would be helping them decorate and carve their pumpkins. I would be cleaning the pumpkin goo off of the seeds so I could bake them. Instead, my husband is doing it all. As I’m writing this, I can hear the stress in his voice as he’s trying to change Jackson’s clothes because he pooped in his pants. (Potty training!) I hate that everything is on him and he is having to be Mom and Dad.

I’m imagining how excited Conner will be running from door to door in his Storm Trooper Costume he is so proud of. I know little Jackson is going to be so cute prancing around in his Mickey Mouse costume saying “Tridder tweet” and telling people ‘tanks” after he gets his candy. Conner’s school had a Fall Festival today and my Mom went since I couldn’t go. Both boys wore their costumes and had a great time. I’m a proud mama. I wish I could have been there to see the reactions of the people who told my Mom “Oh, look how cute he is!” when they saw Jackson. I wish I could have watched the excitement on my boys’ faces as they were to playing the games. I wish I could have seen Conner running around with his school friends and been able to see the faces of the kids he always tells me about.  Jackson melts my heart because he thinks he is a big kid too. Even though they pay no attention to him, he runs and chases after them and has a blast anyway. He has the biggest smile and funniest giggle. It always makes me laugh.

On the 4^th of July, I watched the fireworks from my bed. I am a self-admitted pyromaniac and love to light fireworks. Just like Jackson, I love to be in the center of the action and excitement. (I’ve called him Action Jackson since he was in my belly. He’s always been a crazy little guy.) It was bittersweet. I enjoyed watching them, but deep inside I was disappointed that I could not be outside celebrating like everyone else. This time of year, the weather is mild. When my kids are playing outside with their friends, I usually sit on the front porch and watch them. Now that the TC pain has me in bed 90% of the time, I sometimes watch them play through the bedroom window. Honestly though, I prefer to just close the blinds and shut the drapes. I don’t want to see what is going on outside. I don’t want to see if it’s a pretty day or not. I know if I look out my window, I am going to be sad that I can’t be out there. I know it sounds depressing, but honestly, I find being in a dark room comforting.

The view from my bed.

As each new season and comes and goes, I feel like I am missing out on precious time that is flying by so quickly. Conner and Jackson will only be 7 and 3 once. As an adult, it’s easy to say that I’ve seen 37 Halloweens and there’ll be plenty more. Every year it’s the same thing. For myself, I don’t care so much that I’m missing anything. But for my kids, I do. There won’t be another 3^rd or 7^th Halloween. This year, I will have to experience my kids’ trick-or-treating it through stories and pictures.

It’s hard to predict what we’ll do about candy tomorrow. I always enjoy seeing all of the neighbors and their kids dressed up in their adorable costumes. I’d like to be able to sit on the front porch for a while and hand out candy.  But, who knows which space the wheel will land on tomorrow. The weather seems to affect my TC pain. I’ve found this is typical with other people too.  Yesterday and the day before, I stayed in bed and didn’t have to take a single pain pill! That’s huge great news! I couldn’t believe it! Then, last night, I was awoken around 2 am with that ever-so familiar pain going off in my legs. It kept me up for 4 hours. So, out came the stupid pain pills. I didn’t get any sleep and had to spend the day catching up on my Zzzzzzs.

It’s easy to focus on the things I can’t do and the things I’m missing. So, I’ll try to remember the things I can do. I am still here to help my kids get into their costumes and take pictures. I am still going to see their excited faces when we light the pumpkins. I still get to watch them dump all of their candy in the floor and go through it like a giant treasure chest. I’m blessed my kids aren’t going to miss out on the fun on account of me. My husband can take pictures and there will be more Halloweens.

But now it’s the weekend and I have a special little munckin who’s home and wants to cuddle in bed with me, look through the Toys R Us Christmas Catalog and watch Mickey Mouse Club House.

I’m not going to let this turn into a Halloween Boo-hoo fest! This too shall pass.